Journal Entry #6
Reunions have a funny way of really messing with your mind. When I speak of reunions I’m not referring to high school reunions or family reunions, although both of those reunions can mess with your head big time. Today I had a little reunion of some friends/acquaintances to see a mutual friend that was in town for Thanksgiving. We have all known each other for years, although the majority of them were friends from high school. I left that three hour coffee date feeling like the scum of the earth. Why is it messing with my head so badly?
As I reflect upon my experience, I’m trying to figure out what I’m projecting onto the situation and what bugged me so bad about it. A lot of what I fall back into after these experiences is the “keeping up with the Jones’” mentality. Because of the way I was raised, appearance is a big part of my parent’s life, specifically my dad. My dad wanted to appear that we were successful, even though the majority of my life was spent with money being a concern. Even though envy is something that we shouldn’t have, being raised with the concern of appearance, I have always found myself feeling envious of others. I have always compared myself to others and felt that I was less than others and that I didn’t measure up. I think this way of thinking comes rushing back to me when I reunite with these friends. I see them wearing cuter clothes than me, they are thinner than me, their husband’s are more successful than mine, they don’t have to worry about money as much as I do. I walk away just feeling like crap.
I don’t know why being surrounded by women of the same age as me makes me feel so insecure. I can go into a new job and become friends with women of all different ages, I feel confident in who I am and I don’t feel the need to prove myself to them. But, when I get around those women, I can’t do anything but compare myself to them.
Ultimately I know that I need to not compare myself to them and remember that each of us have our own issues that we’re all working through. I need to work through my own hang ups with feeling that I have to be a certain way to be accepted.