Journal Entry #7-Awareness

Katie Willden

YTT III

Journal Entry #7

 

Awareness

 

            I tell my kids to be aware all the time.  Be aware of your surroundings.  Be aware of what your little brother is doing.  Be aware of your time.  But, what does being aware really mean?  Awareness means being aware of something, acknowledging something, paying attention to something.  In terms or relating awareness to mindfulness, being aware or mindful is acknowledging your true self.  When a lot of our truths remained buried in the subconscious, awareness becomes learning about where the buried truths lie and how to overcome them.

            I have been practicing bringing up my subconscious programming for years.  It hasn’t been an active practice, but I have been trying to recognize what could be subconscious programming as issues come up.  For example, I find myself comparing myself to others quite often and I have noticed that these comparisons make me feel worse about myself than I need.  I don’t need to have the same things as someone else in order to feel good about myself, but the subconscious programming of appearing a certain way always comes up when I’m with certain people. 

            Subconscious programming holds me back from achieving what I want in life because of major part of my programming comes from a place of shame and worthlessness.  I know that this comes from a very traumatic experience that I had as a very young child, but it affects what I do every day.  This programming makes me question myself on pretty much every decision I make.  Subsequently, I have been holding myself back from my true self for pretty much my whole life.  I have been stuck in the place of uncertainty and true mindfulness because of my fear of actually being aware.  Being aware will bring true clarity, and for someone that worries about shame and worthiness, clarity can be too much to see.

            This subconscious programming has affected my true actions and beliefs for many years, contributing to my lack of awareness.  I am trying to reprogram these deep seeded beliefs so that my true self can come through and I can be truly aware.

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